Perhaps, Maybe
by UchiHime
Summary: He said he wouldn't say. He didn't believe in it. But with Harry was different. LMSS, JPSS, SBSS, SSRB, SSDM, Harry.


**Title: **Perhaps, Maybe  
><strong>Pairings: <strong>LMSS, JPSS, SBSS, RBSS/SSRB, SSDM, and SSHP  
><strong>Warnings: <strong>slash, dubcon, teacher/student relationships, OOC, language  
><strong>Summary:<strong> With Lucius it was self-preservation. With James in was a misplaced crush. With Sirius it was looking out for himself. With Regulus it was just sex. With Draco it might have been revenge. With Harry it was different.

**Perhaps, Maybe**

To Severus Snape sex had never been about anything more than physical gratification. Perhaps it was because he'd never held any delusions of being an attractive man. Perhaps it was because he'd witnessed his father all but rape his mother at the impressionable age of nine. Perhaps it was because first sexual experience, and almost all subsequent experiences, had carried no other meaning than the desire to spill seed somewhere.

It was most likely the result of the low self-esteem, due to an equally low self image, he had developed at a very young age that had, twenty-five years ago at the young age of eleven, made Severus willing the play the role as nothing but a hole to stick it in. Of course an eleven year old did not have much knowledge in the ways of the world, especially when it came to matters of sex and the heart. And, though he had been an exceptionally bright child an almost all other subjects, Severus had been as ignorant as any other first year the day he'd lost his virginity.

The situation leading up to what most people would consider a special/cherished memory and an important rite of passage was not at all a pleasant memory for Severus. Perhaps he had been delusional to think that children in the wizarding world would be any different form the ones in the Muggle world. Sure the wizarding children would accept his magic the way Muggles wouldn't, but even they weren't saintly enough to accept all his quirks. A greasy-haired, unattractive, bookworm that seemed to have spent too much time inhaling potion's fumes was not an ideal candidate for popularity. Add to the fact that he was a half-blood from a shamed name, Sorted into Slytherin, with less money to his name than the Weasleys and you had the perfect target for bullying.

Now, when you're everyone's favorite moving target and you had to share a dorm with more than a few other boys, you would do anything to keep yourself safe. It was his luck that Severus had caught the eye of Lucius Malfoy: five years older, Slytherin Prefect, and most influential student in the school. Lucius offered Severus his protection, but Severus had learned early on that nothing came without a price. Since Severus had nothing of worldly value to offer, it was with the utmost naïveté that he conceded to Lucius' offer of protection in exchange for sexual favors.

Severus could remember quite vividly the day he gave up his V-card to Lucius, right there in the first year boys' dorm. Lucius wasn't a gentle lover and Severus was sure the blond took some kind of sick pleasure in the fact that he was dominating a younger, weaker, lesser male. Of course Severus knew that he was nothing more than a warm hole for Lucius to poke around in, but at that point Severus hadn't been completely disenchanted by the idea of love and that "magical" first time; he had, after-all, spent a great deal of time in the presence of Lily Evans who—though she was no one's princess—loved the idea of a fairytale romance.

His first time with Lucius was anything but a fairytale.

Lucius had given him a week to consider the offer after its initial proposal and the moment Severus agreed, the older male had pushed him down on the bed and began collecting his first "payment". Severus had never been kissed before that point. Lucius' lips were soft as silk, but pressed hard enough against Severus' to bruise for days afterward. Lucius had had no patience with stripping Severus, so he'd opted to banish his clothes instead.

With eleven year old Severus lying naked and slightly afraid on the bed, Lucius had stepped back to undo his own clothes and decided that it would be a good idea to comment on the image laid out before him. "You have a very ugly body," the pure-blood had said. "You're too scrawny and you skin looks as if you've lived in a dungeon all your life—pasty and jaundiced. And don't even get me started on your hair."

It was at that point that Severus had let go of that last bit of hope that this might mean something more than sex that he hadn't even realized he was still holding on to. By then, Lucius had dropped his pants and was rubbing his cock to hardness, because the thought of sex with Severus wasn't enough to arouse him on its own. 'At least Lucius had the courtesy to cast a stretching and lubrication charm' Severus thought as he was order to his hands and knees. Severus had been expecting the pain that came with penetration. He used that pain to remind him of reality.

That had been twenty-five years ago, and nothing much had changed in that time. Lucius was married now, but every so often—likely early that week—he would call Severus and out of self-preservation Severus would go to his bed. As he went to his knees in front of the older male and took his cock into his mouth, Severus wondered if Narcissa suspected at all that her husband was having such relations with another man. Surely she suspected something right? But then again, Lucius was an amazing actor and had most likely convinced her that she was his whole world.

Fingers combed through Severus' hair and gripped the black locks tightly. "What are you thinking about?" Lucius asked. Apparently Severus had let his thought drift too far from his assigned task and Lucius wasn't pleased. With dispassionate eyes set on Lucius', Severus took the cock deeper down his throat and hummed. Lucius moaned his pleasure and loosened his grip on Severus' hair. It was an easy task to take Lucius all the way down his throat, and that's not because he had so many years of practice. It was funny really; one would think a man with such a big self-image would have a bigger package. Not that Severus was complaining; smaller cocks were easier on the jaw and anus.

Now a person who did have a large cock was James Potter. This was something Severus had found out when he was thirteen. Lucius had graduated Hogwarts the year before, and that left Severus with a lot more time on his hands. Idle hands being the devil's playpen and all—and with nothing to keep his mind from drifting too far—Severus somehow managed to convince himself that he was in love with James Potter.

It was around this time that the "Kissing Curse" reached popularity. A childish prank, a person hit with the Kissing Curse was magically compelled—with a strength rivaling that of the Imperius Curse—to kiss the object of their desires or suffer adverse side-effects. It was really sad how cruel children could be, and magic allowed more creativity for their cruelty. A few victims of the curse found happiness with its results, but mostly the curse brought a lot of heartache to Hogwarts.

Of course the Marauders were the all aboard for the use of such a cruel spell. It was Sirius Black who decided to learn who "the poor soul Snivellus has the hots for" is. He cast the curse on Severus one day in Transfiguration. Imagine the entire class surprise when Severus couldn't resist the spell and walked over and kissed James Potter. Not wanting to stick around for the uproar this was sure to cause, Severus had made his quick and immediate departure from the room.

Severus had been very tempted to hideaway in his dorm for the rest of his life in order to avoid the confrontation sure to be waiting for him just outside the safety of Slytherin domain. Unfortunately, he could not convince himself that avoiding James was worth missing classes over. Without Lucius there to protect him with his powerful influence, Severus' life quickly became hell. Word travelled fast and everyone was talking and teasing him. But the biggest retaliation surprisingly did not come from Potter, but from Sirius Black. Black had decided to make it his personal goal to punish Snape for the kiss by hexing him at least five times a day.

But the biggest surprise had come the night that Severus and James had gotten attention together, and Filch had left them alone to scrub the Trophy Room. After fifteen minutes of silence, Potter had decided conversation was in order and there really was only one topic for them to discuss. The specifics of the conversation had been lost over time, but Severus do remember foolishly confessing that he was in love with James and this somehow segued into his giving James a blowjob in the corner of the room.

At age thirteen and having only seen two cocks in his entire life—his own and Lucius'—Severus thought James had the biggest dick in the world. Thinking back, that still might ring true, unless among the men Severus had ever been with.

Convinced that this was love, Severus used every tricked Lucius had taught him to make sure this was the best blowjob James ever received. Apparently he'd done a very good job, because about half way through it, James's knees gave out and he slid down the wall. Severus had to finish the job with James sitting on the floor and him up on his hands and knees. It didn't even take two minutes after that to have James coming down his throat.

Severus had been half-way convinced that this meant James would be willing to enter a relationship with him. But the only reason there was to get hopes so high was too see how many pieces they would break into when they smashed into the ground.

Filch came back shortly after the completion of the blowjob, and Severus and James spent the rest of the detention in silence. After they were relieved to go to bed, James stopped Severus and told him a place and time to meet him. Severus had gone to bed happy for the first time in a long time. He really should have known things were too good to be true.

Since the current topic was penis size, stating that Sirius Black has a below average, but still larger than Lucius', size penis would be a good segue into Severus' next sexual encounter. Of course, Severus had never wanted to know the size of Black's penis, but who cares what Severus wants, right?

Severus had eagerly gone to the location at the time James had specified, only to find that James wasn't alone. Now, logically speaking Severus really should have seen the direction this was going and made a hasty retreat. But he had convinced himself he was in love with James Potter, remember, and he was desperate to have that love returned. He had grown up in a loveless family, had spent two years in a loveless sexual relationship with another boy, and was constantly being reminded that he was worth nothing and would never be anything. Before this encounter, Severus never would have grouped himself with the senseless majority that would do anything for love, but everyone is entitled to a moment of utter stupidity.

James said that if Severus gave Sirius a blowjob, not only would James fuck him he would also take him on a date. To Severus' ears at that time, this sounded like James saying that if Severus sucked Sirius off, then James would love him. Him! Severus Snape! The one that no one wanted or love! Of course he was going to do it. It really is a shame what low self-esteem would drive a person to do.

Severus quickly reduced Sirius into a puddle of pleasure blown goo, and in return he got what he wanted. James bent him over a desk, dropped his pants, and fucked him until he couldn't see straight. That was until Sirius decided that he wanted more and James more-than-willingly stepped back and let his best friend take his place inside Severus. At this point, Severus was on such a pleasure high from having James fucking him, he didn't even think to protest Sirius taking a turn, even thought he really didn't want the other boy touch him.

Severus spent most of the night alternating between being over a desk and reamed up the ass and on his knees sucking off whichever Gryffindor got their cock into his mouth first. When he passed out from the exertion with the sight of James and Sirius making out with each other and woke up the next morning all alone, Severus knew he'd been played for a fool. He knew he should have saw that coming, but that didn't stop it from hurting so much and it didn't stop the tears from escaping his eyes.

Severus' torment at the hands of the Marauders reached new levels after that night. Severus hated himself for allowing all this to happen. It was because of this that he threw himself even deeper into his studies, resolved to give of all matters that had to do with the heart. That is until someone decided that they wanted Severus' attention and would go to any level to receive.

Now, it really is only fair that since Severus' own heart was broken, then he could break someone else's heart in return. The unfortunate 'someone' in this situation was Regulus Black.

Unlike his older brother, Regulus really was a nice person—well as nice as anyone raised in the Black family could be. Regulus being a year behind them in school meant Severus never really had reason to associate with him, but apparently Regulus had noticed Severus and had been trying to make reasons to get close to him for years. It was in sixth year that Severus found the real reason Regulus was always hanging around him when common sense and the social norm said to avoid him.

It had never been a conscious to play with Regulus' heart, but Regulus really should have known the risks involved with confessing your love for someone. Regulus said he loved Severus—who by that point neither believed in nor wanted love—so Severus fucked him. Because wasn't that what he was supposed to do? For two years, Regulus would tell Severus he loved him and Severus would fuck him or allow Regulus to fuck him. It was just sex, right? So why was Regulus so upset that Severus was sleeping with Lucius on Hogsmeade weekends? That was just sex too, after all. And they had never said they were exclusive. But, apparently when love was involved you didn't need to say it to know it was exclusive. Apparently when the word 'love' was said it meant something more than just sex. But Severus had never said he loved Regulus in return, and wasn't Regulus a Black? Then why was he crying? Weren't tears something considered beneath the Blacks? Had Severus really hurt him that much? Well damn…sorry.

He really hadn't meant to break Regulus' heart, but perhaps it was some kind of cosmic retribution for the role Regulus' brother had played in the breaking of Severus' own heart. Without Regulus in his life, Severus really only had Lucius now. And even though Lucius was married, it didn't stop him from bedding Severus. They were both Death Eaters at this point, and Lucius used the excuse that the Death Eater circle was pretty much the same crowd Severus had needed protection from in school, so surely he would still need that protection now to keep Severus coming to his bed. Honestly, Lucius didn't really need an excuse. After spending all seven years of his Hogwarts' career warming Lucius' bed, Severus really was a well-trained dog by this point.

So Lucius continued his affair with Severus right under his wife's nose, poor Narcissa she really did love Lucius. Severus had nearly laughed out loud the day Narcissa had said she was glad that Lucius' had a friend like Severus and had asked him to be the godfather of their, then unborn, son. He did laugh out loud the day the aforementioned so, thirteen years old and every bit his father's son, had come to him confessing his love.

Severus loved his godson as much as he loved anyone else, but considering how small his capacity to love was that really wasn't saying much. Besides, Severus did not like how Draco portrayed himself as a miniature version of his father. One Lucius was enough, and Severus was not about to let himself become another person's well-trained mutt. Surely Draco didn't really expect Severus to bend over and take it like a good little boy? Well, he would just have to make sure Draco knew his place. Such a pretty boy, Lucius' son was. He was truly lovely to look at. And his ass was so _tight_. He took Severus' cock greedily and felt amazing. Severus felt like he could fuck the boy all day, and one day he actually did. Draco was an eager lover, even if he hadn't expected to be bottom. He made such cute little noises when Severus fucked him too. And, Severus had to admit, he felt a smug sense of superiority when Lucius called him to his bed and didn't know Severus was fucking his son.

Of course, Draco was as teenager and theirs are among the most fickle hearts in the world. Draco actually seemed a bit upset that Severus wasn't upset about him deciding to end things. As if Severus would be fool enough to grow attached to a child. That's laughable. So Draco walked out the door and Severus just went back to his potions as if nothing had happened.

So with his entire relationship consisting of nothing more that loveless tryst, Severus really couldn't understand why he was feeling this way. Surely he knew better than to allow a person to make his heart skip a beat and his stomach flutter as is filled with butterflies. Surely he wasn't really composing the equivalent of sappy love poems in his head. What was the feeling awakening in him?

Why did he feel accomplished whenever he said something to make Harry smile? Why did he feel that anything was worth doing if it would get Harry to laugh? Why did he want to hold Harry and protect him? Why did he want with every fiber of his being to wake up beside Harry every day? Why did it pain his to see Harry cry? Why did he feel as if he was willing to tear down the world and lay it at Harry's feet?

Severus Snape does not fall it love! He does not! This wasn't love. This wasn't.

Still, he could not explain why he desired to make love to Harry instead of just fucking him. He didn't understand why he was so sensitive to Harry's feelings. He didn't understand how he just knew if Harry ever walked out on him he would just die. What he'd felt for James at the age of thirteen was nothing compared to what he was feeling for the boy standing beside him. Harry. Harry. Harry. Sweet, sweet Harry. Harry with the soft skin and soulful eyes and musical laugh and gorgeous smile and… Harry. Harry.

He said he would never say it. He said he didn't believe in it. He said that he would never put himself at risk like this again. But still, this was Harry and Harry was the exception to every rule. Perhaps, maybe, just this time he could say it. Perhaps, maybe. Harry.

"I love you."


End file.
